1. Getting curious about something and diving in and eventually becoming pretty good at something. I’m a big geek, I want to keep learning things, I want to keep growing. And so, what I’ve decided to do was…go to the library and go to the bookstore and look at what research says about how we learn and how we learn quickly. And I read a bunch of books, I read a bunch of websites, trying to answer this question, how long does it take to acquire a new skill? You know what I found? TEN THOUSAND HOURS. Anybody ever heard this? And what I found, the ten-thousand-hour rule came out of studies of expert level performance.

2. I wanna be a kid forever. And I think being creative and playing and getting to be characters and telling jokes allows you to be an artist eternally and what sounds better than that? I am a lot of things. A youtube creator, a producer, a writer, an actor, but most importantly, a storyteller. I am a huge nerd when it comes to
storytelling. I genuinely believe that stories make the world go around, it’s how we understand ourselves, it’s how we understand others. And then social media is an incredible place to tell stories because they are no gate keeps. Literally anyone can click, upload and tell their story and there’s power to that.

3. A few years ago my obsession with productivity got so bad that I suffered an episode of burnout that scared the hell out of me. I’m talking insomnia, weight gain, hair loss, the works. I was so overworked that my brain literally couldn’t come up with another idea. That indicated to me that my identity was linked with this idea of productivity. But this model of constant output isn’t conducive to creative thought. Today, knowledge workers are facing a big challenge. We are expected to be constantly productive and creative in equal measure but it’s actually
almost impossible for our brains to continuously generate new ideas with no rest. In fact, downtime is a necessity for our brain to recover and to operate properly.

4. Success to me means being able to do what I wanna do and do
something that I’m passionate about and enjoy it. I’m not gonna take things for granted. I have been lucky. Not always. But… I’m gonna really give it my all. I think that’s the biggest thing that I have learned is don’t take things for granted. If you wanna be an actor, know every part of the business. Learn everything. Learn about editing, learn about directing, learn about producing, learn about anything that you can do that has to do with this
creative field. Be kind, be honest, do what you really wanna do. Don’t just try to please others.

5. And I’m forty three and imna be forty four this year and there’s over thirty million women in the United States between the ages of thirty five and fifty. That’s a lot of voices, that’s a lot of opinions, that’s a lot of power. And it’s up to us to change the conversation. It’s up to us to say, ‘No, no, no, no, society, all you people looking in, you got it wrong. It’s awesome in here, this is where it’s at.
And we are going to take this and we’re gonna move forward for the next forty years, so get used to it, cause it’s gonna happen. I’m gonna do the best work I’ve ever done, imna live better than I’ve ever lived. I’m gonna love better than I’ve ever loved. And you’re gonna value me more than you’ve ever valued me at twenty five.

6. I don’t care that you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. I don’t care that you’re tired, do it anyway. You will never change your life while you’re talking about what you’re doing, you will change your life while you’re listening to experts, while you’re taking classes, while you’re learning and growing and while you’re taking new actions.
Get yourself out of the ‘I know it all’ mode and get yourself into the… ‘I need to learn about what I need to do’. I watched what everybody did and not just what they did on stage. I watched the more important stuff, which is what you do in the relationships when you’re not on stage so that you’re amazing to work with. What you do so that you’re always a student, getting better, and better, and better, and better.

7. How would you like to be a mind reader? Cause part of me is thinking, I bet your mind’s thinking, ‘that’s not gonna happen’. I had a client who was a corporate controller. And he would sit across to me in meetings and he was always looking down with the occasional glance up. I thought, ‘Well, you know, he is just socially inepted, he doesn’t know how to give me an eye contact. But this guy’s brain worked in a way that he was never gonna give me eye contact and no matter how many times I modeled the behavior I wanted him to use, all that did was make both of us feel uncomfortable.

8. How can you read people’s body language to read your minds? Imna bring out our first body language model, James. James represents seventy five percent of the world. You didn’t know this about James, but James is a looker. You'll notice he has wrinkles in his forehead because James looks up when he remembers something he has seen. And he looks up more often than most of us do. Next thing you notice about James is that he has thin lips and the other thing about lookers is they give you lots of eye contact. ‘Look at ‘em, look at ‘em, look at ‘em, all of ‘em. Look at all of ‘em.’

9. We are like family. This is a phrase that’s become quite popular in our places of work. It’s a phrase that started in the last decade or two. It’s a phrase that started with positive intent and has had positive outcome. However, what’s gone far or less recognized and discussed is how calling work our family can actually be quite detrimental to our mental and emotional health without our knowing it. Which is why I’m here today to offer the reminder that work is not your family. And to explore how this cool culture catch phrase often ends up breeding burnout instead.

10. Boundaries are hard for a lot of us because many of us never learned boundaries. I like to think of boundaries as ‘our ability to identify, communicate and take action on our needs.’ Being able to say ‘ I need to eat, I need to rest, I need some space right now.’ Survivally speaking, boundaries are critical for us as humans to be able to say, ‘I need something.’ To be able to find safety and resourcing. This shift of delaying our needs into the unhealthy without knowing it, it’s where a lot of us find ourselves unknowingly stuck today. Somewhere in our lives we learned and adapted that repressing or sacrificing our needs for others was beneficial, but that became so autopiloted in our subconscious that it goes past the point of diminishing our terms and becomes unhealthy

11. We partnered together to help people learn how to speak more spontaneously. We call it improvisationally speaking. And Adam has taught me wonderful phrases and ideas. They really stick, that’s why I’m sharing them with you to help you remember these techniques. So, let’s get started. The very first thing that gets in people’s way when it comes to spontaneous speaking is themselves.

12. Research tells us that in order to get people to change, you need to not start with the attitudes, but with the behaviors associated with those attitudes. So, the questions for me were:
Who am I? Who do I want to become? The answers were that I wanted a successful career, I want that meant something. And for me that was defined as a career as a sports executive. In order to achieve this goal, I needed to begin to act more confidently. And I did.

13. I am a staff writer at the New Yorker magazine. I’ve also written about eight books. I’ve always written non-fiction, long from non-fiction, creative non-fiction, literary journalism, whatever you’d wanna call it. We’re gonna be talking about how to choose a story, how to organize yourself and get ready to write and how to revise your work and get it ready to be published, appreciating the fact that there is always gonna be some mystery about how a really wonderful piece of work gets made.

14. So, let’s get started with anxiety management. Eighty five percent of people tell us that they are nervous when speaking in public. And I think the other fifteen percent are lying. We could create a situation where we could make them nervous too.
Anxiety actually helps us. It gives us energy, helps us focus, tells us what we’re doing is important. But we wanna learn to manage it.
What does it feel like when you’re sitting in the audience watching a nervous speaker present? How do you feel? Just shout out a few things. How do you feel? UNCOMFORTABLE.

15. It feels very awkward, doesn’t it? So, what do we do? Now, a couple of you probably like watching somebody suffer. Okay? But,
most of us don’t. So, what do we do? We sit there and we nod and we smile? Or we disengage? Fundamentally, you job as a communicator, regardless of if it’s planned or spontaneous, is to make your audience comfortable. And when I say comfortable, I’m not referring to the fact that …that your message has to be nice for them to hear. It can be a harsh message, but they have to be in a place where they can receive it.

16. Saying a tongue twister forces you to be in a moment otherwise, you’ll say it wrong. And it has the added benefit of warming up your voice. Remember I said today we’re gonna have a lot of participation? imna ask you to repeat after me my favorite tongue twister. And I like this tongue twister because if you say it wrong, you say a naughty word. And imna be listening to see if I hear any naughty word this morning, okay? Repeat after me. It’s only three phrases.

17. So, let’s get started on the core part of what we’re doing today which is how to feel more comfortable speaking in spontaneous situations. I’m going to identify four steps that I believe are critical to becoming effective at speaking in… in a spontaneous situation. With each of those steps I’m going to ask you to participate in an activity.

18. Well, what if you are dreaming of starting a business or you’ve already started a new business? But you’re afraid to talk to people. And you’re afraid to share your business with people. I mean, fear is something that stops us all.

19. The point is we are planning and working to get it right. And there is no way to get it right. Just doing it gets it right, okay? So, let’s try this now. We’re gonna play this game twice. Again, it’s for thirty seconds. If you’re willing and able, will you please stand up, you can do this seated, by the way, but if you’re willing and able, let’s stand up, okay? In a moment I’m about to say ‘Go’ and I would like for you to point at anything around you, including me, it’s okay to point at me, I hope it’s not a bad thing you say when you point at me. But, point at different things and loudly and
proudly, call them different from what they are.

20. Did you notice anything about the words that you were saying? Did we find patterns, perhaps? Maybe some of you were going through fruits and vegetables, a few of you were going through things that started with the letter A.

21. Until some years later when my wife brought me to a workshop on willingness at the University of Washington, and I… was blown away. So then I read the book, and then I read a lot of books on willingness, and I got trained in it, and what I learned was that willingness is part of acceptance in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy approach to behavior change.

22. Now, first, before we get into the secret weapon, I just wanna cover a few facts about fear. What it is, what it isn’t. So, first thing. Fear is a physical state in your body that is exactly the same as excitement. Let me say that again. Fear and excitement are the exact same physical state.

23. So, what do you do? What do you do when you’re about to go talk to your boss and you feel afraid? What do you do when you have to get on a plane and you’re actually terrified of flying? What do you do if you gotta give a presentation and you’re afraid of public speaking? Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna use a strategy, the same one that I use, that has helped me beat every single fear and turned me into somebody that… is terrific when it comes to a high stress situation.

24. Here’s a trick that’s proven by science that I use every time I speak. When I start to sweat, when I start to have butterflies, when I start to have my heart race, I say I’m excited. I’m excited to get out there. I’m excited to talk to these people.

25. Are you more motivated by rewards? Or are you more motivated by punishment? If you are motivated by carrot, you gotta set up little rewards for yourself along the way. But if you’re motivated by the stick, you have to have some kind of punishment for yourself set up to make sure that you’re getting there.

26. I read the book for this video and can’t say I loved it, but I can understand the appeal for a couple of reasons.

27. I totally knew when I was sobbing on the bathroom floor at three o'clock in the morning that someday Julia Roberts would wanna be a part of that.

28. Again, pointing to the question of privilege. Because the fact that I’m a writer and because of the fact that I’ve been able to build a career as a writer and, sort of, organize my time in a certain way. I have access to a lot more time that other people might have to think about those things. I was able to say I’m gonna take one entire year and do literally nothing every minute of the day except think about all those questions.

29. In Italy the beauty of doing nothing is the goal of all your work, the final accomplishment for which you are most highly congratulated. The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's achievement. You don't necessarily need to be rich in order to experience this, either. For me, though, a major obstacle in my pursuit of pleasure was my ingrained sense of Puritan guilt. Do I really deserve this pleasure?

30. My mom was forty two years old when I was born. And she started exercising for the first time in her life. She started by running around the block and then she started doing 5k races, and then she started doing 10k races. And after that she ran a marathon.

31. It's a broad approach to behavior change that's being used to help people with anxiety disorders, with addictions, even some innovative companies are now using it to help improve their employees' performance and reduce their stress.

32. When you see them try… to be aware of the cravings in your body, try to be willing to have those cravings, see if they pass on their own. And whatever choice you make, try to bring a spirit of caring and kindness to yourself, for that is the mountain that we are all climbing.

33. This phenomenon is what I call ‘defensive failure’ and it goes a little something like this. It’s Sunday and you say to your husband or wife, ‘This week I’m gonna go to the gym THREE TIMES.’ Then it’s Friday and you haven’t been to the gym at all. It’s so mysterious, right? I feel, like I meant to go to the gym, I intended to go to the gym. Now, they found that there are three powerful mindset blocks that are keeping you locked in a cycle of defensive failure.

34. If you believe that at the core of success is talent and genetics, then this rookie mistake matters a lot. It’s the proof you needed that you didn’t have what it takes.

35. Gaslighting is a specific tactic. It's a calculated move that people make to make the other person doubt their perception, doubt their memory, doubt their sanity, feel like they might be losing it. It's a manipulation tactic to gain control in the relationship. And if you notice that somebody's gaslighting, you can put an end to it and create the relationship that you actually do want. So the first obvious form of gaslighting is where the person denies that they've either said something or did something and you've got clear evidence to the contrary.

36. Believe in your ability to improve. If you're looking for a long-term change, consider the way you think about your abilities and talents. Do you think they are fixed at birth, or that they can be developed, like a muscle? These beliefs matter because they can influence how you act when you're faced with setbacks. If you have a fixed mindset, meaning that you think your talents are locked in place, you might give up, assuming you've discovered something you're not very good at. But if you have a growth mindset and think your abilities can improve, a challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow.

37. It also turns out, on average, people who have a growth mindset are more successful, getting better grades, and doing better in the face of challenges.

38. Many supermarkets adopted a system, still in place today, called open dating, where food manufacturers or retailers labeled products with dates indicating optimum freshness. So, most manufacturers and retailers are motivated to set these dates early. Of course, there are some cases where you’re better safe than sorry. The USDA recommends eating or freezing meat within days of purchase.

39. But where positive self-talk can help you, negative self-talk can harm you. Most people are critical of themselves occasionally, but when this behavior gets too frequent or excessively negative, it can become toxic. High levels of negative self-talk are often predictive of anxiety in children and adults. And those who constantly blame themselves for their problems and ruminate on those situations typically experience more intense feelings of depression.

40. If you have ever felt like you don't have sufficient time, budget or expertise to deeply study your users, you're not alone. When you have to make critical design decisions and you don't have clear data to guide you, what are you left with? You mainly have just your own expertise and experience as a designer and what you know about people in general and that second point is critical.

41. Now, most people know about a few basic psychological principles, but get nervous if they have to really explain what they know or rely on it for critical decision making. If that describes you, that's okay. You don't need to get a graduate degree in cognitive or social psychology to be able to leverage what these fields offer. What you do need to do is spend a bit of time solidifying your understanding of the basics.

42. If you’re looking for a place to start, try spending some time with the following ten topics, which I’ve listed in the description of this video. Motivation, attention, memory, persuasion, learning, decision making, emotion, the difference between sensation and perception, and cognitive biases. If you wanna get started right away, check out our free study guide to all our resources on psychology and UX.

43. The goals that you had a decade ago are not the goals and the things that are gonna motivate you right now. You need to right a new chapter, my friend. Eleven or twelve years ago the things that were important to me, the things that mattered, the stuff that I wanted to create ten or eleven years ago as a forty year old woman, that’s not what I’m motivated by now that I’m fifty two.